Under Construction

Hello friends,

Summer months are officially here WOOO, thus comes what most people my age like to call summer break. Summer break is when you're done with all your spring classes, you move back home( if you are living with your parents and are away at college), maybe go on a trip or two, and enjoy the summer months with family and friends. Sounds nice right?, well my summer break looks like the fun house mirror version of that. It contains all those elements but it's warped into a version of its self that is less than appealing. I did finish most of my spring classes but I am not done with one of them. I graciously got an extension on the longest most anxiety driven  project of my life. This has to be completed in the next two weeks as well as me preparing for a test. I have trouble working from home which is somewhat of an issue even though technically I'm not at home.

I am kinda at "home" for the summer but not really because actually I'm staying at my grandma's house. I love my grandma she is awesome, but I wanted time in my own room and that's pretty difficult when there is a wall ripped out of it. My dad decided to remodel the bathroom, which is connected to my bedroom, so when it's wall had to come down so did mine. Which is fine I can deal with some construction, even if it means being uprooted for a while. Plus I also didn't realize the emotional impact moving back home would have on me, which I am currently working through. I did get to go on an amazing trip with my brother to visit family in Louisiana. It was truly a fantastic time and I loved seeing my family but with my looming deadline for my class hanging over my head approached I felt guilty being on vacation. Plus riding on a plane with my brother as not exactly fun. I also have gotten to see some go my friends sometimes but trying to coordinate times to see them is like doing a high wire trapeze juggling act. I also really miss my boyfriend who lives over 200 miles away from me, and has the most ridiculous summer schedule I've ever seen.

This summer by far has not given me a break but I have had a lot of memorable experiences and learned a lot, so I guess more than my house is under construction this summer. Some of the lessons include, kindness is most important when you feel like not being kind, diligence is important even if you are not in the most work inducing environments, when you miss someone who is far away when you get to see them again their hugs are warmer and kisses are sweeter, and you have to work for the things most important to you. Hope you guys are having a great break.

Until Next Time

The most Cliche thing you will read today.

Hello Friends,



 So this may not be the most cliche thing you read today but it very well could be the winner of that title. Today is graduation at the college I am attending and I am a senior, however today is not my graduation day. Sadly at my school if you decide you want to educate the youth of America you have to go an extra semester to student teach and do not pass go and do not collect your diploma until after student teaching is acquired. Before I go any further with the pity party that I am having at this very moment, because I actually completed my Psychology program on time with honors and still don't get to walk, I want to say  congratulations to my fellow classmates that came in with me 4 years ago. I love you guys to the moon and back, you're beautiful driven people and I am so proud of you. I know you all had some long hard nights, trying days and we have wanted to quit multiple times but we have not we kept going and persevering through it all and you finally made it. I wish you all the best in your future plans and I know you will all do great because I have watched you all develop into the people you've become.

Part two of my pity party comes from the fact that everyone is leaving and going back home that I love. It started with my boyfriend 4 days ago, one of my housemates last night, a large group of my friends and housemates tomorrow and then all that will be left is me. I don't do well by myself it hurts me to the core of my being. I know I am not alone but it feels like I am trapped in a never ending sea of hurt and darkness that I cannot escape. Mom my loneliness has gotten worse since you died, I know that this is a weird place to put this sentence because I was not talking to her but I needed to write it. I know that you don't want me to feel alone and that you are with me always but I do feel it and it is paralyzing to me. It is hard for me to love people deeply because I lost you. It is not fair to say that but it is how I feel. The reason it is hard is because I don't think I can handle loosing another person I love. It leaves a nasty, jagged, gaping hole. Removing wholeness from my life.

Part three says there is hope because apparently my boyfriend actually wants to keep in contact with me this summer, my best friends are there when I call them always and say they will not leave me ever and I still have my brother and my dad. So family is important, love is important, achieving goals is important. This is how we keep improving ourselves and the world one step at a time.

Thanks for reading friends, sorry this one was kinda depressing.

Until we talk again.

Since last we spoke

Alot has happened between my September of 2014 and April 2015

Hello Friends, 

I hope you are doing splendiferously well, I am making it by on fumes right now so instead of doing my homework(due two days ago and due in the next two days) or you know,  my back log of work I have for my position, I thought I'd update you! First of all I have the best and most stressful job ever and that is being a resident assistant for my fine university. I both love it and hate it in the wierdest way it sort of completes me. I cut my hair short, like the shortest it has been since middle school, and it is asymmetrical like the rest of my life.  I am now not only pursuing a teaching licences for grades K-4 I am going for 5-8. Middle school is something I never thought I would want to teach but now I am getting certified for it. March of 2014 I lost my Grandfather and December of 2014 I lost my Mother. She just fell and hit her head and never came back to us. It has been really hard, like the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and it is just as hard every single day. I am graduating from this fine university in December after student teaching but will have my degree in Psychology by May. I now read The Walking Dead comic books, and have officially caught up. The main reason I am now one of those nerds, who actually enjoys comic books is because my boyfriend got me into them. Yes, I am finally in an adult relationship so adult in fact that we don't talk about it much on the internet.  I know what you are thinking, wait if you are in a relationship and it isn't Facebook official are you really in a relationship? The answer is very much so.  He is great and also very new and not the guy I was pining over the last time I wrote to you all. He does not have long curly hair but it is fine because when his chestnut colored hair grows out it is sort of wavy. So like I said a lot has happened and I have been wanting to write to you all for a while but I have also been in the worst slump of my life and buried in a tomb of homework. 

Now to the Reason I wanted to talk to you today.

What made me want to blog today is I saw a boy. Now like I said I am in a good relationship right now with a guy who makes me the happiest I can be right now. Anyways I saw a boy with the best hair ever and I also had a massive Deja Vu moment. I had seen this hair before, this hair had a special place in my heart, this hair was attached to the first boy to break my heart. In my memories at least, the boy who owned this version of the best hair ever, I had never met him before. He also took much better care of his voluptuous, chestnut spiraled mane than the owner of the hair that broke my heart. Seeing his beautiful spirals hit me where it hurts, that old emotional scar of not being good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, and  pretty enough busted open for a minute. It physically hurt when all of those emotions and lies flooded back, I didn't even realize he still held that power over me, and that those insecurities still lived in me. I have not felt that way since high school,  So I suppose my question is why? why did that  one image of gorgeous hair trigger all that negativity. Then I look back at my current life and how far I have come and the truths that I am beautiful, smart, powerful and alway good enough. That is all I needed to break the spell over me. To cauterize  that wound and hopefully keep it from reopening.  Can any of you relate with that horrible feeling of reopening an old emotional wound or just think that "Jew" fros are the cutest thing ever? If you do and feel led leave me a comment. 

Until Next We speak. :)